| Ian's Amazing Facts |
The Rosetta
Stone has recently been proved to be a fake. It was
fabricated by the French soldiers, trapped in Egypt, as a
diversionary tactic. The true meaning of the
Hieroglyphics found on the walls of tombs and ancient
artefact has only just come to light. They were in fact
nothing more than graffiti; which correctly translate to
things such as "Cairo skins rule", "Luxor
United are magic", and "Some time in the future
you will receive vicious multiple blows to your
copulating cranium, and appendages of the lower limbs
will be used to inflict the damage".
The
electrical impulses that run through the brains of small
mammals, such as mice, exactly match the frequencies of
the electrical components in most pocket organisers. If
an organiser is switched on and placed next to head of,
say, a pet mouse, the interference causes words to form
on the screen which match those of the thought processes
of the mouse. The most common words seen are "hungry"
and "tired", but sometimes more complex
messages are seen, such as "stop poking me in the
head with that thing!"
The
scientists at CERN, in Geneva, stopped doing any
experiments in 1998. Since then they have been using the
giant accelerators to play "particle skittles".
Single carbon atoms are etched in a triangular pattern
onto sheets of gold leaf, which are then bombarded with
pulses of high energy electrons. The winner is the one
who blasts away the greatest number of atoms. This
originally started out as as a miniaturisation project for
a PhD student, and now has the whole scientific community
hooked.
The technical
term for those people that reach underneath the dividing
partitions in public toilets and try to grab hold of your
feet is "fecapedophiliacs". Nearly three quarters of
these people were found to have suffered a severe
traumatic episode involving a pet hamster between the
ages of 2 and 4.
If satellite
pictures of Spain and France are taken, at night, and
then the two images superimposed, the resulting picture
has a very clear pattern of Greek letters that translate,
roughly, as "Beware the turnips. They are not what
they seem".
The Go-Go
frog of South America is the only known animal that
regularly eats parts of its own body. When food is in
short supply it is quite common for this small amphibian
to eat three of its legs in a day. The legs usually grown
back again within 4 or 5 hours. One of these frogs has
even been observed swallowing its own head, which
unfortunately resulted in its death.
Contrary to
popular belief, bathing in asses milk is not good for the
complexion. In fact it can prove to be fatal. After
about 45 minutes soaking in the milk the skin will begin
to dissolve. After 90 minutes the results are similar to
full thickness 2nd degree burns.
The colours
that we see today are not the same as those seen by our
ancestors. There has been a gradual shift in colour
perception due to changes in lifestyle over the past 50
years or so. In the 1950's people would have described
what we now call "light blue" as "mauve",
and "yellow" as "turquoise". All
current computer monitors are built to allow for this
colour shift, but unfortunately TV manufacturers have
deemed it too expensive. Already people are beginning to
notice subtle differences between the colours displayed
on these two devices.
Following on
from the recent successes utilising the combined surplus
processor power of "idle" computers on the
internet, electricity suppliers have recently announced a
massive wind turbine project. The power of the air blown
out from the backs of computers can be harnessed, using a
small blade attached to an electric generator (similar to
those seen in wind farms). These generators can be
plugged into a device that attaches to the mains supply
in order to feed back electricity into the system. It has
been estimated that if all the computers in Britain were
used in this way it would generate enough energy to power
a small country in Africa.
Bread has
recently been discovered to be highly radioactive. The
reason this was not discovered earlier is due to the
unusual nature of the decay process. Normal radioactive
decay ejects alpha, beta or gamma particles. As bread
decays it emits both alpha and beta radiation which, due
to the texture of the bread, interact to form a new
"delta" radiation. This new type of radiation
is very difficult to detect by normal means.
Every year 14
people are arrested for "possession of a deformed
halibut". This is one of the world's most widely
ranging, albeit obscure, laws - valid in 95% of civilised
countries. The offence carries a maximum sentence of 4
days imprisonment.
The Great
Snail Sucking Contest in Llanbedr, Wales, attracts more
visiting tourists during it's three day duration than
seven. (Usually at least eight or nine turn up). The
object of the contest is to determine who can suck the
greatest number of snails from their shells in a 30
minute period. The winner receives a gold-plated turnip
from the mayor, which he or she is obliged to wear around
the neck until the next contest the following year.
A new strain
of bacteria, called hydroglopitica treviticus, has been
recently discovered. It has the ability to swim with
incredible speed through urine. It spreads by swimming
from a toilet bowl up a stream of urine and into a
persons body, where it multiplies and is then passed on
to other toilet bowls.
It has been
estimated that if satellites are put into orbit at their
current rate then by the year 2078 the amount of light
reaching the surface of the earth will be reduced by 50%.
If every
person on the planet breathed in at exactly the same time
it would cause a pressure drop that would raise the sea
level by 4.2 cm.
Green is the
heaviest colour. It is more than 20% heavier than the
next heaviest colour, which is blue. The lightest colour
so far discovered is a particular shade of pink found on
a lampshade in the B&Q store in Eastbourne.
If you laid
all the bananas that have ever been eaten since 1953 end
to end they would stretch from the Post Office in the
centre of Luton all the way to table number four in the
back room of the Horse and Pilchard public house in
Little Husbrock on the Marsh.
The gestation
period for gerbils can be increased up to 24 months by
the continuous playing of Perry Como albums along with a
diet of dry roast peanuts. Any attempt to go beyond 24
months usually results in spontaneous combustion of the
animal.
Turkeys are
the most prolific carnivores of all birds. A horse, if
locked in a shed with a turkey, will be stripped to the
bone in less than 15 minutes.
The world
record for toad balancing currently stands at 28. The
recent attempt to balance 35 toads was discredited after
it was discovered that several of the toads had been
stapled together.
Statistics
show that people with green eyes are more than twice as
likely to be run over by a number 26 bus than people with
blue eyes.
The average
public toilet seat is home to 48 different species of
bacteria. This compares to 5 species found on the average
household toilet seat.
Pineapples
are the most dangerous fruit. If mixed in the correct
proportions with brandy and baking soda they combine to
form a chemical with more explosive power than TNT.
NOTE: The Facts mentioned on this page bear no resemblance to reality in any way shape or form. They are completely fabricated.
Last updated: 28 Feb 2008 14:59