• The Rosetta Stone has recently been proved to be a fake. It was fabricated by the French soldiers, trapped in Egypt, as a diversionary tactic. The true meaning of the Hieroglyphics found on the walls of tombs and ancient artefact has only just come to light. They were in fact nothing more than graffiti; which correctly translate to things such as "Cairo skins rule", "Luxor United are magic", and "Some time in the future you will receive vicious multiple blows to your copulating cranium, and appendages of the lower limbs will be used to inflict the damage".
  

• The electrical impulses that run through the brains of small mammals, such as mice, exactly match the frequencies of the electrical components in most pocket organisers. If an organiser is switched on and placed next to head of, say, a pet mouse, the interference causes words to form on the screen which match those of the thought processes of the mouse. The most common words seen are "hungry" and "tired", but sometimes more complex messages are seen, such as "stop poking me in the head with that thing!"
  

• The scientists at CERN, in Geneva, stopped doing any experiments in 1998. Since then they have been using the giant accelerators to play "particle skittles". Single carbon atoms are etched in a triangular pattern onto sheets of gold leaf, which are then bombarded with pulses of high energy electrons. The winner is the one who blasts away the greatest number of atoms. This originally started out as as a miniaturisation project for a PhD student, and now has the whole scientific community hooked.
  

• The technical term for those people that reach underneath the dividing partitions in public toilets and try to grab hold of your feet is "fecapedophiliacs". Nearly three quarters of these people were found to have suffered a severe traumatic episode involving a pet hamster between the ages of 2 and 4.
  

• If satellite pictures of Spain and France are taken, at night, and then the two images superimposed, the resulting picture has a very clear pattern of Greek letters that translate, roughly, as "Beware the turnips. They are not what they seem".
  

• The Go-Go frog of South America is the only known animal that regularly eats parts of its own body. When food is in short supply it is quite common for this small amphibian to eat three of its legs in a day. The legs usually grown back again within 4 or 5 hours. One of these frogs has even been observed swallowing its own head, which unfortunately resulted in its death.
  

• Contrary to popular belief, bathing in asses milk is not good for the complexion. In fact it can prove to be fatal. After about 45 minutes soaking in the milk the skin will begin to dissolve. After 90 minutes the results are similar to full thickness 2nd degree burns.
  

• The colours that we see today are not the same as those seen by our ancestors. There has been a gradual shift in colour perception due to changes in lifestyle over the past 50 years or so. In the 1950's people would have described what we now call "light blue" as "mauve", and "yellow" as "turquoise". All current computer monitors are built to allow for this colour shift, but unfortunately TV manufacturers have deemed it too expensive. Already people are beginning to notice subtle differences between the colours displayed on these two devices.
  

• Following on from the recent successes utilising the combined surplus processor power of "idle" computers on the internet, electricity suppliers have recently announced a massive wind turbine project. The power of the air blown out from the backs of computers can be harnessed, using a small blade attached to an electric generator (similar to those seen in wind farms). These generators can be plugged into a device that attaches to the mains supply in order to feed back electricity into the system. It has been estimated that if all the computers in Britain were used in this way it would generate enough energy to power a small country in Africa.
  

• Bread has recently been discovered to be highly radioactive. The reason this was not discovered earlier is due to the unusual nature of the decay process. Normal radioactive decay ejects alpha, beta or gamma particles. As bread decays it emits both alpha and beta radiation which, due to the texture of the bread, interact to form a new "delta" radiation. This new type of radiation is very difficult to detect by normal means.
  

• Every year 14 people are arrested for "possession of a deformed halibut". This is one of the world's most widely ranging, albeit obscure, laws - valid in 95% of civilised countries. The offence carries a maximum sentence of 4 days imprisonment.
  

• The Great Snail Sucking Contest in Llanbedr, Wales, attracts more visiting tourists during it's three day duration than seven. (Usually at least eight or nine turn up). The object of the contest is to determine who can suck the greatest number of snails from their shells in a 30 minute period. The winner receives a gold-plated turnip from the mayor, which he or she is obliged to wear around the neck until the next contest the following year.
  

• A new strain of bacteria, called hydroglopitica treviticus, has been recently discovered. It has the ability to swim with incredible speed through urine. It spreads by swimming from a toilet bowl up a stream of urine and into a persons body, where it multiplies and is then passed on to other toilet bowls.
  

• It has been estimated that if satellites are put into orbit at their current rate then by the year 2078 the amount of light reaching the surface of the earth will be reduced by 50%.
  

• If every person on the planet breathed in at exactly the same time it would cause a pressure drop that would raise the sea level by 4.2 cm.
  

• Green is the heaviest colour. It is more than 20% heavier than the next heaviest colour, which is blue. The lightest colour so far discovered is a particular shade of pink found on a lampshade in the B&Q store in Eastbourne.
  

• If you laid all the bananas that have ever been eaten since 1953 end to end they would stretch from the Post Office in the centre of Luton all the way to table number four in the back room of the Horse and Pilchard public house in Little Husbrock on the Marsh.
  

• The gestation period for gerbils can be increased up to 24 months by the continuous playing of Perry Como albums along with a diet of dry roast peanuts. Any attempt to go beyond 24 months usually results in spontaneous combustion of the animal.
  

• Turkeys are the most prolific carnivores of all birds. A horse, if locked in a shed with a turkey, will be stripped to the bone in less than 15 minutes.
  

• The world record for toad balancing currently stands at 28. The recent attempt to balance 35 toads was discredited after it was discovered that several of the toads had been stapled together.
  

• Statistics show that people with green eyes are more than twice as likely to be run over by a number 26 bus than people with blue eyes.
  

• The average public toilet seat is home to 48 different species of bacteria. This compares to 5 species found on the average household toilet seat.
  

• Pineapples are the most dangerous fruit. If mixed in the correct proportions with brandy and baking soda they combine to form a chemical with more explosive power than TNT.
  

NOTE: The Facts mentioned on this page bear no resemblance to reality in any way shape or form. They are completely fabricated.

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Last updated: 28 Feb 2008 14:59